Tricks of a Beirut Baller

By Adam Henry
Staff Writer

Beirut.  We’ve all heard of it.  Most of us have played it.  Many of us don’t remember it.  What few of us realize, however, is that there’s more to this favorite weekend activity than just trying to muster the coordination to toss ping pong balls at blurry cups – Beirut is rapidly becoming the official, unofficial sport of the Claremont Colleges.

Whether 10- or 12-cup is your pleasure, the game meets all the criteria of a sport: there’s a ball, the said ball is thrown, teams are involved, rules are sometimes complicated, and strategy is crucial.  Beirut is an endurance sport- stamina is required for a strong performance. If one plays too hard, he or she runs the risk of throwing up their losses, and random drug testing would undoubtedly strip the eligibility from all competitors.  And Claremont College students don’t just participate in this sport, they have their own tables, lucky balls, set teams, and organized leagues…and they’re damn good.

What’s the secret behind the inebriated success of so many Stags, Athenas, and Sagehens?  All Beirut aficionados have their own unique trademark style or go-to move: some have mastered the art of the bounce, some the strategy of the well-timed re-rack, but most are just the Larry Birds of their sport- clutch shooters in crunch time. 

In this ferocious 2-on-2 competition, picking the perfect partner is paramount.  When selecting a wing-man, be on the lookout for a few key tell-tale signs of a Beirut pro: 1) a player who brings their own monogrammed balls to the game, 2) a player who knows every house rule of every table on the 5Cs, 3) a player who’s relatively sober enough to hold a ball and stand at the same time (although standing is admittedly less important) and 4) a player who’s a girl.

Why a girl?  Throwing the balls at the cups is obviously the most important part of the game – the knee bend, the concentration, the wrist follow through – but only one of the genders is allowed (under most rules) to get the ball from the cup once the shot is made.  At most tables, only girls can blow.  This ostentatiously sexist and humorously inappropriate rule is simultaneously one of the most important and one of the funniest of the game since in the process of robbing the opponent of the potential game-winning shot, the girl is bound to dip her hair in the beer, blow foam in her face, and generally make= a fool of herself.  But the shot is saved, and a good player is willing to sacrifice their body for the greater good.

In addition to the blow, the bounce is one of the most crucial tricks to master.  The bounce works wonderfully against opponents too drunk to realize the move until too late, but is also effective against a sober enemy – in this case, the non-bouncing partner must distract the other team somehow.  I refer you back to the girls: valuable methods of distraction include flashing some skin, yelling profanity, throwing something hard and/or wet, and punching the opponent in the gut (all techniques successful against teams of mine in the past).

One two-man team in particular has been blitzing the competition (while getting blitzed themselves), all semester long.  Pomona seniors Michael “Skinny” Bergeron and Brendan Springstubb make up what is known all over the 5Cs as “Varsity Beirut”, a team who has a record of 32-2-1 this season (and it should be noted that the one loss was a result of the game broken up by a Beirut hating RA).  Skinny points out that “the most important quality in my partner is the clutch factor.  He needs to be able to make the most clutch shots down the stretch so that we win the game,” and with 32 victories this season it’s obvious he’s just really good at picking partners.  Brendan had another bit of advice to lead your team to victory: one must have a “healthy disdain for the opponent”.

If you haven’t played Beirut, that was all you need to get acquainted with this college pastime.  If you have played, take these little tricks of the pros and crack down on the competition.  After all, according to one Pitzer student who wished to remain anonymous, “Beirut has changed my life: I’ve developed a nice stomach that girls like to touch and now I get way more ass than my non-Beirut playing friends.”  Now go, students of the 5Cs, forget intramural or varsity sports and play Beirut - throw balls, make shots, get ass.