It Might Be True!

Astrology for the Inhabitants of the Claremont Bubble

Stephanie Bulger / Claremont Student

By Skylie Mystic
Staff Writer

Aries (March 21 - April 19):

First off, I want to wish a very happy birthday to those of you Rams born later in the month – especially those of you celebrating your 21^st. Regardless of whether you’ll be ripping open presents and drinking toasts to yourself this month or next, you should have a March full of parties so fun that you won’t remember them afterwards. You’ll be at your most debauched during Spring Break, but curb your stubborn Ram-ishness while making plans with others. If you are consistently domineering, you may end up with a beer in the face.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20):

Get ready for the long haul. If you’re not careful, your weekends and Spring Break may be spent poring over Norton’s Anthology of English Literature or your chemistry lab manual. Late in the month, you may find yourself washing textbook print off of your cheeks after waking up suddenly at 4:00 AM, face planted in Research Methods In Psychology. Looking on the positive side, however, you stand to gain a number of friends, all of whom are employed by the 24-hour drive-thru Starbucks on Foothill.   

Gemini (May 21- June 20):

It’s pretty safe to say that March is going to suck in a major way for you. You’ll have too much homework and your friends will be annoying. You’ll probably go into debt and have to call your mom for a loan. Ten-to-one you’ll forget to wear green on St. Patrick’s Day and get pinched. In fact, I’d better stop now, because there is no light at the end of this tunnel.

Cancer (June 21- July 22):

I don’t want to alarm you, but you’re going to be stalked this month. Rest assured, this stalking will be motivated by nothing but the stalker’s romantic obsession with yourself and his or her desire to become the parent of all your children. If this bothers you, I suggest restricting access to any online profiles and weblogs, and wearing hats and sunglasses to and from classes.

Leo (July 23 – August 22):

Supposedly, March comes in like a lion and goes out like lamb. This is an imperfect analogy for how March is going to work out for you. For the first half of the month, you—the Lion—will be the funniest person at every dinner and party, make the most intelligent comments in class, and the object of affection for half the population of your school. Unfortunately, after Spring Break, everything will reverse and you’ll be left eating chocolate alone in your room.

Virgo (August 23 – September 22):

I’m almost afraid to write your horoscope. It’s so good that I’m worried about your safety – the other signs might get violent when they find out about it. All I’m going to say is that you’re going to need suntan lotion, contraceptives, cheese sauce and a really big bathtub—and in that order.

Libra (September 23 – October 22):

Libras are famous for being able to make friends with almost anyone. Generally, you think this is a good thing. But this month you begin to curse your friendliness after realizing that you have so many friends that you’re beginning to forget some of their names. You spend Spring Break in the herbal supplement sections of health shops, searching for the best memory-booster.

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21):

You’re looking to score over Spring Break, but your plans for a crazy week in Cancun are in danger of being foiled. The stars aren’t clear about the cause of this danger, but I suggest completing all homework in advance, setting five alarms the morning of your departure, and avoiding calls from grandparents who’ve wanted to visit since you started college.

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21):

You are about to discover a secret talent that might change your life and make you rich. However, it may not, so it may help to have a backup plan. It’s a good time to declare your major, start job searching, play the lottery, or sue someone.

Capricorn (December 22 – January 19):

I warned Cancer about being stalked this month, so it’s only fair that I warn you about being a stalker. However, I think we both know that you’ve seen this coming since the invention of Facebook. I caution against stalking exclusively one person, as this can be very draining. Stalking several at the same time, but with a lower level of emotional attachment, may be the key to preserving your sanity until April.

Aquarius (January 20 – February 18):

I hate to say it, but I have nothing for you. Nothing extraordinary is going to happen in March. Even your Spring Break will be dull. I wish you luck at solitaire.

Pisces (February 19- March 20):