Ney Hympho!

Viva la Vulva

Erika Moen / Claremont Student

By Jean Powers
Staff Writer

Let’s face it: boys love their penises. While I actually have to make a phone call or walk to someone’s room to find a friend, boys have a built-in friend. Boys do not simply walk alone, but are forever accompanied by that added buddy, The Penis. That’s a pretty powerful idea.

 I did not realize exactly how much boys love their penises until I asked. My male friends described their relationships to their penises overwhelmingly and with great affection. Many described their penises like I might describe one of my best friends: beautiful, fun to be with, comforting. One, for instance, mentioned that, “I cherish it like none other, but every now and again, I have to beat it like it owes me money.” Many others described their penises as the impetus for their choices and life. One boy explained to me that, “Almost every effort in my life can be linked back to my penis.” Many guys had loving nicknames for their penises, from The Captain (because he wears his hat to the dinner table) to Max (short for Maxwell House, because it’s good to the last drop). I nickname all of my best friends - they all have millions of variations on their names. Why not, then, nickname the penis?

So where does that leave us, ladies? In being asked the same questions about their genitals, girls verged on distaste toward their vaginas. Girls talked to me about feeling detached from their vaginas, repeating over and over again, “ I wish it wasn’t . . .” I wish it wasn’t the most sensitive part of my body. I wish it wasn’t so covered all the time - it gives the vagina a mystique I’m not sure I’m comfortable with. One friend told me vaginas are “generally unattractive.” Not one girl said to me, “Hot damn, Jean, do I ever love my vagina! My life and my choices are based around my vagina. My vagina is a close personal friend!” Not one. The girls I talked to were all straight, though—unlike straight boys, many straight girls (not having the experience of being attracted to another vagina) can’t fathom what’s attractive about their own (yet another reason, perhaps, for experimentation). And, when vaginas are nicknamed, more often than not, these nicknames are not lovingly bestowed. Instead, nicknames for vaginas are often painful, either insults from men or the result of politically-charged, anti-feminist slang.

When, in The Bell Jar, Sylvia Plath’s narrator describes a penis as reminiscent of a turkey neck and turkey gizzards, the slang was never passed on. Young girls don’t whisper to one another, “ Oh don’t go down on a boy—it looks too much like turkey gizzards.” A girl wouldn’t dare make a joke about a limp, small penis to a boy’s face. Yet welcome to the world of Slime Chambers and Bearded Axe Wounds and Meat Wallets, where men are cautioned about fishy smells. (A valid argument, apparently, for the ever-tacky getting and not giving. Seriously, guys. Pull it together or we may start a coalition against your taste).

As negative, male chauvinist slang slowly breaks girls down, some begin to hate themselves because of it and others are saying CUNT, reclaiming the negative vocabulary and transforming it into a statement of vulva pride. But it’s not exactly a loving declaration; it’s a political statement. See I’m more than that, I’ve reclaimed it, oh the irony of MY using it. It’s a badass societal “Fuck You,” but its reactionary negativity clouds the vagina’s beauty. My best friends are not political statements - I love them for them outside of societal context. Shouldn’t it be same with the vagina?

            I don’t mean to detract from the boys or make it seem like their relationships to their penises are ridiculous - quite the contrary. I want to celebrate The Penis and the love the boys that have it. How wonderful, boys, to have a built-in impetus for thinking Hello, gorgeous! every time you take off your pants. And well you should! I mean, we should all think that when we take off our shoes (Hello gorgeous feet!) or socks (Hello sexy ankles!) or sweaters (Hot damn, that’s a gorgeous forearm!). The penis and the vagina, though, have played a more prominent role in many of our lives - my vagina has come to my attention more frequently than my forearm, for instance - and those two in particular deserve, at the very least, a slow clap every time they come out.

Instead of detracting from the relationship between boys and their penises, I want to add to that love by asking that girls find the same love for their vaginas. Ladies, let’s start a revolution of self-love and catch up to the boys. Take your vagina to dinner! Take a snapshot (though may I suggest digital?)! Pull out a pocket mirror and take a look at just how lovely she is. (Right now. Really.) If we, individually, could describe our genitals with as much love and caring as we describe our best friends, we might all be a little less lonely.